Never give up what you want most for what you want now.
At the moment, I am having difficulty convincing myself of this truth.
Yet, truth it is.
Today I got older. The actual celebration of this will be next weekend, however, because my sister gave birth this week. A girl. 9 lbs 13 oz, 22 in long. Full head of curly hair. This kid is a TANK. Both are doing very well.
Anyway, off to enjoy my day off work, and maybe even work on some cool crafty projects.
Don't have any place to process this at the moment, so I'll put it here.
Situation: Number 1 had a client ask for an emergency session, so he came in on the weekend to accommodate him. Client had made several calls asking his mother to attend the session as well. Mother declined. Halfway through session, client pulls out two single-shot dueling pistols. Number 1 runs from the room and shuts the door. Through the door, he attempts to talk client out of his obvious intent toward self-harm. Client blows himself away in Number 1's office. Had his mother attended, he probably would have blown her away as well. Number 1's office is now a crime-scene. I find out when PES staff ask me if I've heard about the situation and heard from Number 1, because no one could reach him and they were freaking out.
Plan: Support Number 1 through this crisis and help him process the grief. Took him to dinner to debrief. Lots of listening involved.
Challenge: I want to be there for my friend and not make that about my feelings, BUT.... I have a LOT of feelings about this event. And those feelings have no place to go at the moment. So, they are going to vomit here. First, I too have lost a client to suicide in a manner that was horrific and unjust and preventable. I ended up in a lawsuit with my former employers over this event. That lawsuit took quite a toll on my personal life. So, listening to my friend process all the same feelings kicks up all kinds of my crap. Second, this man is very precious to me. He could have been killed. That is not a happy space. My instinct is to hold him a little too tightly in reflex. I will suppress this reflex, but it sucks to do so. Third, he is already in a fragile place due to the grief in his personal life. He did not need this. He's the best and most well-liked doc in the County. Of all the people this could have happened to, he should have been last on the list. So, I have some anger around this, with no real target. Can't take it out on the client, because, oh yeah, he's dead. Fourth, the grief cycle gets to commence anew for him. Right now, he's in shock. Which is a good thing. He's really not feeling anything yet. But next week.... is going to SUCK. Fifth, he may choose to self-destruct rather than engage the help being offered him. So far, he's attempting to engage. But past patterns make this a very real fear.
OK, better now.
PS Just found out my brother and his wife are expecting number 4. Yes, the brother who is currently in treatment for having a total collapse mentally and physically. That brother. Um, is it OK to start a flame war on your brother and sis-in-law's blog about the stupidity of this move? Cuz I really want to.
Went to the Temple today. Put most of my dear ones in the prayer circle. Many of you I count as such. Was a lovely meditative experience. Gained insight into the energetic shifting at the portals between the M-branes in M-Theory.
I am traveling with my family this week. The ENTIRE clan is assembling in Yosemite for a reunion. This is made of awesome. Consequently, I will not be commenting much this week.
It's warm. I dislike warm. But I quite like that I have absolutely NOTHING planned for tonight. This is wonderful. Tomorrow is a county holiday. I'll be working, which will be nice because no one is going to be calling me and I'll probably get a lot done.
By next week I'll be eating food again. Even ice-cream, perhaps.
Weighed myself on Friday to see what the damage was. With all my clothes on and heavy hiking boots, I'm still over 120. Barely. This is good.
Perhaps my family is strange compared to other families, but it seemed perfectly acceptable to give him raspberry honey almond, kiwi rolls, and chili dipped mangoes.
Oh, and today I got to eat VINEGAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My salad was wonderful.
Day 13: I'm beginning to get used to the taste, which is strange. Bile mixed with the cellulose casings from my pills. Appetizing.
Symptoms: No nausea in the AM (bonus!); pee is neon yellow; bowels trending toward normal; pain minimal.
Tomorrow is the final day of hell. Then I get to add foods back. I'll be starting with vinegar. I miss vinegar. Have I mentioned this?
Shouldn't have gone to bed at 3 AM. But, a friend is going through a nasty divorce and needed a safe place to vent and he didn't leave till 2 AM, so.....
Yeah, my brain hurts.
Day10: still missing food.
Symptoms: mild nausea in the AM; pee is highliter yellow; more than one bowel movement (this is progress); blurry vision; less abdominal pain.
Day 11: the library is a nice place to avoid human contact.
Symptoms: SEVERE nausea in the AM; pee is highliter yellow; stool is starting to normalize; PAIN.
Day 12: 3 days till I can eat vinegar again. Finished course of emulsifiers. Liver is no longer tender.
Symptoms: no nausea in the AM (YES!!!); pee is neon yellow; blurry vision; less pain.